Hollywood Babble-On

Hollywood Blvd. A street like no other, with its promise of true happiness and meaning. Any movie professional worth his salt will tell you that, if you want to be a Star in Hollywood, all you have to do is parade up and down the Boulevard. That's the ticket to being discovered by all the directors and studio bosses who constantly troll this famous strip looking to sign you up to multi-million dollar contract!

So, egged by my pragmatic ambition of becoming a great big movie star, I rode on the back of a turnip truck headed for Hollywood California!

"OK Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up!"

Hollywood and Vine. Wow.

The figures on display at the entrance to the Hollywood Wax Museum are of a better grade than anything you'll see inside.

News Flash: I'm sorry to report that the museum has cynically removed the David Hasselhoff diorama ...I'm mentioning this in hopes of mounting a full-scale boycott. Also, few people realize that once inside this place, you actually have to pay again to get out! Those who come up short are turned into waxworks.

The Roosevelt Hotel is chock full o'celebrity hauntings. If you look closely into the windows of the 13th floor, you'll likely to see a pair swingin' ghosts. It's Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis reenacting golden moment from "The Caddy". Lewis' spirit preceded the body, which is still out there making appearances.

One of many Elvis's you're likely to encounter on Hollywood Blvd. Santa has hundreds of these little fellers laboring without representation at his North Pole toy shop. When they do manage to get away, Elvis's enjoy vacationing in Southern California primarily for the warm climate.

"Mickey D's" on Hollywood Blvd. A welcome oasis of health and renewal.

One of the best things about lady Los Angeles is her old buildings and atmospheric noir lobbies. If you squint carefully, you can make out a number of celebrity ghosts anxiously waiting for the elevator wih bladders full of vermouth. Note Spanky Macfarland and Petey the dog clowning for the camera. Hey knock it off you two, America has a war to fight!

The landmark Knickerbocker Hotel (foreground) seen shouldering up to a neighboring building. It's all one big schmooze-fest in Hollywood! A lot of historical celebrity poop went down here.

Another scary Elvis manifestation. We're signed to co-star in the ultimate buddy-picture. I play L Ron Hubbard. There will be many stunts and gratuitous fireball explosions. Backed by a raging xylophone music score to appease the kids, it's well on the road to being a sure-fire hit!

Sign of the times. A log jam of reality-based TV shows has forced a surplus of new stars to double-up on the Walk of Fame. Hollywood's Chamber of Commerce is busy devising double-decker sidewalks.

Bogie to Sid (Grauman's Chinese Theater): "Sid may you never die till I kill you". To which I say, never make promises you can't keep in cement. You can tell that, by exhibiting both feet and handprints together, Humphrey Bogart preferred walking on all fours.

A shrine to Hollywood that has little purpose and should be eliminated from this series.

All good things must come to a sobering conclusion. Likewise, I had to return my "date", which I'd been dragging noisily down the sidewalk by handcuffs, back to her storefront display.

The End
(or is it?)
Color by Deluxe
Mr. Geritopia's wardrobe by Botany 500
Best Boy: Ida Lupino
Gaffer: Marion Morrison
Special thanks to: Electricity and grotesque surplus of time.