Sunday, December 30, 2007

Predictions for 2008

Apes unearth a human doll that talks, causing a heretical scientist and his captive homosapien to flee on horseback.

The Rapture occurs only for those whose names begin with the letter "K" in the phone book.

America becomes independent from foreign oil when it's revealed that gushers happen for everyone that goes "shootin' at some food" in their own backyard.

Romney adopts new campaign slogan: "Whatever, we're all going to die anyway!"

A new generation of lost teenagers adopt the "hobo look" and travel the country with knapsacks, stogies and patched jeans in boxcars.

Death from old age becomes "the new 20".

The Earth spins off axis and finds a new lover in the form of Alan Shepard's golf ball.

Gerber brand "Puree of Squash" displaces caviar in scene from new James Bond thriller.

Political speech writers go on strike, resulting in an unprecedented golden-era of peace.

The annual Rose Parade will be replaced by Macaroni Parade. Floats will be covered in pasta wheels affixed with Elmer's Glue and spray-painted gold. Chef Roy-ar-dee will preside as Grand Marshal.

The cotton gin is reintroduced stoking the country into a new industrial revolution.

The Moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars and peace will guide the planets and Cal Worthington will sell used cars.

A time capsule dating 1938 is excavated from the Chrysler Building only to reveal an embarrassing wind-up dancing minstrel doll.

The polar ice caps will melt revealing a delectable chewy caramel center.

The two major political parties will be so traumatized by the vitriolic language from the opposing side that their convictions will flip as a result of Stockholm Syndrome.

Girls will be boys and boys will be girls, its a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola.

Soda pop will flow from drinking fountains in St. Louis, when the first Oompa-Loompa is elected mayor. People will bathe in the stuff and become very sticky.

All electrical devices suddenly stop working when a 10-year-old child realizes that everyone knows how to use electricity but, paradoxically, no one knows what it really is. Angry mobs with torches hunt down the phrase "suspension of disbelief".

The government adds hot lava as a new food group, declaring it an essential part of a healthy diet.

Numbers are abolished in favor of the more accurate finger-counting system.

Joey Polanski walks down the sidewalk, encounters talking squirrel, followed by ticker tape parade.

[your predictions welcome]

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Feral Cat Strut

The current up-tick in the use of the adjective "Feral" has gone too far, especially when adjoined with the word "Cat". Injecting Feral into social banter has suddenly become all the rage, as if it adds an air of personal identification with the plight of the feral. Suddenly everything is Feral... feral chickens, feral monkeys, feral cars and feral presidents of the United States, etc.

Can I get a witness?

Feral-Correctness casualty, the classic Key Largo.
"Aaah, Feral Cat, eh? Yeah. A real FERAL CAT!"