Monday, October 31, 2005

Count Chakra-la

Computers are evil. They do not enhance my freedom to play tennis all day or liberate me from my burdens. I still wear a harness and drag the plow through the mud. The handy spell-checker is the exception to this jaundiced view on computers, granted. The situation is analogous to my conviction that High School was an intellectual wasteland but I did benefit from learning to type and Driver's Ed. I'm a practical man, baby. Or a practical Man-Baby, take your pick.

I'm also part geek; part-time geek-heretic. I work with the tools of technology but I'm quite familiar with the sick side of it too. ...i.e., the constant push for technology to raise the bar to yield the next THING that will make everyone go "Cool!". In the motion graphics field, this is the lifeblood of existence. When 3D animation hit the scene, we feasted our eyes on gratuitous flying text. Many a drooling TV passenger sailed through the "O"s and curly-ques of each letter. Ooooo! "Wow, I just want to get in there and lick all those shiny steel and glass fonts!" It made the Cool Chakra buzz for the requisite .3 orgasm duration.

'Course, that's all yesterday's novelty. Now you can do high-end work with a home computer. But beware the over-stimulation of the Cool Chakra, for it tends towards a stunted-development aesthetic, puts hair on the palms, etc.

the altar of passive euphoria

So remove yourself from the computer now! Go outside. Say hello to a fish. Put on a harness and plow the mud. Make love to a pile of leaves. Remember: the organic world is the basis for what the computer geek seeks to emulate and control (the evasion of mortality and kissing of girls). But don't be fooled. Be free my brothers and sisters. Be free!

Meanwhile, here's some more computer graphics to delight and tantalize. I hope you find them cool.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The Controversy Over Muscular Babies

Things are heating up at work, which means the risk of actually having less time to devote to my first love: sitting nude in front of the computer and publishing my blog for 3 devoted "people".

When acquaintances find out that I do graphics for TV, they will often ask "where have I seen your work?" with one eyebrow raised --a reasonable question. It's a long story but lately I've been working for an entertainment cable channel doing quick turn-around graphics, the insignificance of which makes me forget what I did the day previous. It's like a blur. The mindset for making TV is just like watching it when operating on that level.

While the highlights of my career include digital dentistry on L Ron Hubbard's teeth (as detailed in 10-25's posting), other jobs had me working on OJ Simpson "The Juice" infomercials (pre-murder spree); "mosaicing" body parts for the H Stern show (censorship means a big wad of $$$ in my wallet and that's obscene); creating bloody cross-sectional illustrations for medical programs; cleaning zits off images of Corey Feldman for his celeb 'expose' show, etc. Actually, it hasn't been bad. I like being a freelancer. I'm just doing my "schtick" here... but the preceding examples definitely come with the territory.

I'm an arteest, dammit! What am I doing???

working at a centrifugal force of 5 Gs

I've easily save more images from just noodling on the Quantel Paintbox than ones made for clients. Lookie here:

...and more to come. weeee!!!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Other Folk's Photos

Here's a heapin' fist full o' anonymous photos from my collection. These were "found", meaning I purchased them from flea markets and thrift stores. Of course, I have no idea who these people are. I'm sure that the vintage ones are from estates of geezers now long gone. Other than that, the pics speak for themselves and there's lots more for future series.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Skeletons Ahoy

It's a living.

I wasn't sure if I could stomach doing a "bit" here so similar to the blooper articles that Jay Leno features on his not-so-great show, so I must be feeling unusually sadistic.

I've been receiving a high volume of Halloween-themed junk mail from places like "Party America" and "Smart & Final" at my home. And so here's some recycled junky highlights just for you, dear reader!

These costumes have potential usefulness for internet dating profiles. What lucky lady wouldn't want to go out with a handsome walking toilet? See how he seductively obliges with the seat down! Or bleeding devil? His outpouring heart just keeps on giving. And Elvis alter ego. A frozen sneer will always get you to home plate, my friend. I already sorta' resemble used car salesman, so where's my royalties Mr. Corporate Costume Maker Man?

Wait, who needs costumes when I've still got my smelly Jack in the Box uniform? I'll go as Shaukat!

The Thing looks like some kinda' human road kill cookie.

And how 'bout that Lazy Town Stephanie? I'm guessing that she must be from Lazy Town. I want my celebrity gossip to be about her sordid affairs... no more of this bourgeois Paris Hilton crap!

...but speaking of "Scary", get a load of them Farmer John Bacon & Hot Dog Mummies! "Hey, like, what's up with that?" [cue canned laughter]

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Full Frontal L. Ron

Aquí está otra historia interesante del hombre de funcionamiento. Una facilidad de producción me empleé una vez video pequeña. Me pidieron pintar la cara de L. Ron Hubbard un marco a la vez y hacer le mirada bonita. La primera asignación limpiaba encima de los dientes amarillos del cocodrilo de L Ron Hubbard. En otro vídeo, tuve que hacerle mirada como él llegaba un terminal del aeropuerto y agitaba a la gente que no estaba realmente allí. Había dos personas de la iglesia de Scientology que me miró trabajar para cerciorarse de que no me reiría de la película que me dieron. Me asustaron para mi vida, y estoy asustado ahora de ser demandado.

Go to Babelfish, copy & paste, to translate the preceding from Spanish to English (and it still won't make much sense):

Monday, October 24, 2005

Nude!-Nude!-Nude! (pt.2)

OK, granted, maybe it's a bit sad to be retelling stories of working at a certain fast food chain with a clown motif. The world is pretty screwed up and our political system is being tested to the brink of collapse, while I'm here writing about the antics of a bunch of lunk-heads throwing cheese onto the ceiling.

Which reminds me, when I was working at the aformentioned clown head restaurant, I invented a designer sandwich christened "The Hoyt Special". ...Pssst, don't tell anybody but it was actually the combination of a breakfast sandwich and what was called a "Moby Jack" (an appetizing block of pneumatically compressed fish). So, try this recipe if you must at your own peril: 1 slice ham, 1 grilled egg, 2 slices of American cheese, 1 deep-fried fish filet, 2 tble spns of tartar sauce on a lightly toasted split-level hamburger bun.

I made poster art advertising the Hoyt Special which I propped up on the counter at night when the manager was away. The example here is a photo of the original artwork. And there were a couple of takers of the Hoyt Special, as I recall. Amazing. It's a wonder, with such enterprising instincts, that I didn't become Donald Trump... but then again how could I? He's not me and I am not he.

Yes, this is all very sad.

photo: Jim DeRosa

And here's a shot of me sitting in a dumpster from the same era, just for the road.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Nude!-Nude!-Nude! (pt.1)

This Blog is all about transparency, if nothing else. We do not dodge the sometimes unseemly past or disconcerting realities of life. On that note, I will not deny that I worked at a certain fast food franchise in my senior year of High School. I will not deny that I still have friends in my circle who, likewise, once worked at this infamous drive-thru, popularly identified by its' clown head motif. I will not 'out' these people, but you know who you are Dennis, Tony, Marcel, and Jim!

It was an oddly fun place to work for the duration and a great training ground for anyone anticipating a career in the no-budget, quick- turnaround environs of TV production. We "raced" iced cubes on the grill; thrilled to the cacophony of spattering hot shortening; sent to dizzying heights tossing slices of cheese to the ceiling (where they stuck in a most viscerally satisfying way); marveled at the NUDE people who would drive through during wild Saturday night shifts; learned about various cultures from co-workers with exotic names like "Shaukat" and "Prakong". In short, it was the best time that could be had while stinking of grease.

original photos: Jim DeRosa

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Nude Again

While I'm not inclined to boast, I don't mind saying that I was actually amongst the first to sit nude at a computer, as this image will attest. It's one thing to be nude at the computer, but perhaps another to actually have a photo of oneself blindingly-nude at the computer posted on a blog and very likely being viewed by countless other hard-working Americans nude at their computers.

I am not advocating nudity at the computer, nor do my opinions represent the internet in any way. The photo is for scientific inquiry only and in hopes that the truth will be represented without taint.

Friday, October 21, 2005

The Mystery of the Sidewalk Nipples, Cont.

So there I was riding my bike down Autumn lanes, feeling expansive and virile in the open air. My mood became unsettled when I began spotting more and more of the dreaded sidewalk nipples (see yesterday's post below) as they passed rhythmically under my wheels. 'Kah-klunk-kah-klunk', until the entire sidewalk was literally paved solid with sidewalk nipples! I chanced upon a gypsy woman who spoke a haunting riddle: "watch for the bald man, for he sets all things backward and forwards with his rusty stopwatch". Hearing this, I squeezed the brakes on the handlebars which sent me almost colliding into the paperboy as he yelled out the day's headlines: "Sidewalk Nipple Menace Causes Global Chaos!!! -- World Leaders Helpless On War Against Sidewalk Nipples!!!".
In that instant the world around me darkened. Confusion filled the streets. The din of honking horns; the unruly sight of fruit carts overturned everywhere. I ran into the Italian organ grinder man who pointed me one direction...

And then the magician pointed yet in another direction. Upset and confused, I pumped the bike pedals faster and faster, not knowing where I was or where I would find myself next.

Suddenly braking again, a line of pulverized rubber skid mark stopped short of his towering, eerie presence. A silence, save for my racing heart. I look up to see the Bald Man with the rusty stopwatch that the fortune teller had spoken of!

And he was mammoth. The man slowly glanced down at me with his winsome smirk. "Are you responsible for the Sidewalk Nipple invasion?", I cried. "No", he replied, which I suppose lets him off the hook.


Thursday, October 20, 2005

Things You're Not Supposed to Notice File

OK, can anyone please shed some light on what these strange metallic nipples embedded in the sidewalk are all about? Someone sprayed a day-glo circle around this one, which I assume signals a government agent to tap into for further manipulation of the minds of everyone in my neighborhood. But to what end?


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

It's Just Television

Today's auction: "It's Just TV". Bidding starts at $ 3,000,00
. Thank you.


Last night I allowed my neighbor's cat into my place after it followed me up the stairs. I let it explore and loiter as I folded laundry, watched a DVD, etc. Later I fell asleep with the cat lying by my feet. I then woke up very early and let it out but I still wonder about the ethics of my having someone else's cat stay overnight. Was this a creepy move on my part? I just don't know. I won't solicit answers because I don't think anyone is actually reading this tripe. OR ARE THEY???

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

What's All This Stuff Then?

Internet + Dating --Two filthy words combine into one surreal experience. Latest statistics: 2 down in 1 week. I started out liking both prospective wives/harem attendants (their words, no hate mail please!) but neither would have me. Perhaps I'd be somewhere if I'd suggested all three of us at once. No, instead I was thoughtful, gentlemanly. Yaaawn. But I should have known something was up when I saw that old tell-tale "What's up with that gap in his teeth?"-look staring over the chianti bottle.

Charlie Brown would most certainly be carrying a *Sigh* balloon at times like these.

I mean, so what if I arrange to rendezvous in the back of a circus tent where they hose down the elephants? And I'm supposed to spend all my sofa cushion change on peanuts for BOTH of us? This is supposed to be the future. The ultimate dating solution in an era of sexual and racial equality. Unisex and spandex, the era of the now-a-go-go-everything-pod, the ibook, ipants, icolostomybag --it's all here folks! So where's the groovy new dating etiquette that we can all understand? Are you listening Brenda Ross?

As you can see, this blog site is definitely in the research and development stage...

Meanwhile, here's something from the Farmer's Market series (2005).

Friday, October 14, 2005

Baby Steps to World Conquest

Welcome to my Blog. This blog will feature political commentary, news, weather and sports. After sports, we'll all take a break and convene in the antechamber for crackers and brandy. Then we'll look at the "daily doodle", along with other fun surprises.

Hang on tight. It's going to be a white-knuckler!


note: all images are copyright and owned by Geritopia & Gerit Vandenberg, unless otherwise indicated. Reproduction by permission only.