Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Skeletons Ahoy

It's a living.

I wasn't sure if I could stomach doing a "bit" here so similar to the blooper articles that Jay Leno features on his not-so-great show, so I must be feeling unusually sadistic.

I've been receiving a high volume of Halloween-themed junk mail from places like "Party America" and "Smart & Final" at my home. And so here's some recycled junky highlights just for you, dear reader!

These costumes have potential usefulness for internet dating profiles. What lucky lady wouldn't want to go out with a handsome walking toilet? See how he seductively obliges with the seat down! Or bleeding devil? His outpouring heart just keeps on giving. And Elvis alter ego. A frozen sneer will always get you to home plate, my friend. I already sorta' resemble used car salesman, so where's my royalties Mr. Corporate Costume Maker Man?

Wait, who needs costumes when I've still got my smelly Jack in the Box uniform? I'll go as Shaukat!

The Thing looks like some kinda' human road kill cookie.

And how 'bout that Lazy Town Stephanie? I'm guessing that she must be from Lazy Town. I want my celebrity gossip to be about her sordid affairs... no more of this bourgeois Paris Hilton crap!

...but speaking of "Scary", get a load of them Farmer John Bacon & Hot Dog Mummies! "Hey, like, what's up with that?" [cue canned laughter]


Joey Polanski said...

Sompm creepy at Bloggy-Blog. But what creepyer: pitchers o fake peapl doin real shit, or pitchers o real peapl doin fake shit?

An how come I keep comin back t be creepd out?

paul said...

I once dated a girl who was the “Town Stephanie.” -She was anything but lazy, though! Let me tell you!

Anonymous said...

As Ghoulish As It Gets!

Hey Fans,

I know, it's been awhile seen you've all last heard from me the "Nowhere Man." But, "You Know My Name."'s Pete Best!

I'm so sorry. Yet as you know, it's hard being me. You know how many boxes of Kleenexes I weep through a day? (you don't even want to know). I know, I know (you know?), But "I have to move on".....after being kicked out of the "Fab Four" so many 'Long, Long, Winding Roads' ago. Though everyone keeps cruelly telling me, "Just get over it for Pete's Sake! You 'Cry Baby Cry' Baby." Well, all I have to say to that is....."I'm a Loser....Not!" Or "You weren't there man....were you!?" I also like to say, "Whatever.....Ob-La-Dii, Ob-La-Da!"

Anyway, I digress by not even stating what I wanted to to begin "Historic Tale".....

Alright then, so I recently went to this Costume Shop and was horrified to see one of the costumes on display. It was a bloody "Paul is Dead" costume. I'm talking Paul McCartney my buddy from the Beatles the group I used to be in. I immediately attacked the dummy (who's head was also severed) and stomped on it until the Bobbies took me away to the slammer!

Now, for many years people have come-up to me after one of my many gigs and would ask, "Hey Pete! Is it really true that 'Paul's Dead? You know, with all the references on the albums and's obvious isn't it?

Well, most of the times I'd say "Get Back" or I'd just ignore their whiney pleading cries or I'd just beat them up. But I had to come clean after all these years, I can't just "Let It Be." I don't care if the "Powers that Be" come after me and try to shut me up. "I'm So Tried" of living as part of one of the "Biggest Cover-ups of the 20th Century."

"Do You Want To Know a Secret?" It's really true.....Paul died in 1966 (age 24) while driving his car depressed in the middle of an all-nighter recording session. But the record company and mind controllers from London's Tavistock Mind Control Institute ( weren't about to let their expensive investment just end. Therefore, they kept the "Dream Alive," by creating a "Paul, the Golem." Okay, so he may not be a Golem (that's kindna mean), but whoever he is.....he's not Paul!

You're all probably saying by now, yeah, yeah right....another "Conspiracy Theory." Well I wish I was just another "Conspiracy Nutcase" in this case. But before you write me off as someone who's claimed they've "Gone to the Moon".....see the convincing material I've put together with some of my fans @ "Think For Yourself"......if you can handle peeling a "Glass Onion." (Ouch!)

Anyway, I leave you all with this warning......if I see any one of you wearing a "Paul's Dead" costume this better bloody beware of crossing my "Path of Wrath!"

As I end my rant, a special message to my many adoring fans....I am forever grateful for your worshiping of me :)

"Beating It All Out" (one of my hit songs),
Pete Best
(Only "the Best" drummer ever and "the Man" who put "the Beat" in the Beatles.)

P.S. By the way (for the record...the many I should have been on), Paul always wanted me to stay in the group, we were "like this." But since "Ringo" was such a "Party Animal" didn't write squat (like I did), and was such an easy to control "Metronome Puppet," he got to become the ultimate "Fool on the Hill."

R.I.P. Paul
(To read the "cut to the chase" version of the story (Not a Rumor!)

Anonymous said...

Hey Mr. G,

The "Toilet Man" costume sums up pretty much the state of affairs concerning creativity in the arts these days (what is called, "Art").

At least Mr. Toilet Man, goes with "The Thing" costume quite well.

And what is "Lazy Town Stephanie" suppose to promote in our "Pimp & Ho's Society?" (one can only image)

Stay at Home,
Ms. Manners

Anonymous said...

Hi Pete,

This is Paul....thanks for sticking-up for me.

I'm not dead after all. After the car crash I was taken to a State Hospital where I'm quite happy living at present. I mean, at least I'm alive :)

Recently they even gave me my own Casio Keyboard in which I have a computer back-up band to write songs with (that's pretty neat).

Everyone has something to hide.....but me and my monkey!

Yours Truly,

P.S. And thanks Gerit for creating one of the last free thinking forums left in your world. Peace & Love. It's what the world needs now.....and forever!

Anonymous said...

Skeletons in the closet to be sure. Man, I learn so much at this site. all ROCK!