Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Freeze Bell: Help or Hindrance?

Once, in the 4th grade, I was idly folding construction paper into various objects. I quickly mastered the traditional pointy hat and the little alligator figure. Still, I wanted something better, something cool to lend me a bit more street cred with the ladies (I was, after all, in need of repairing my public image which had taken a nose-dive ever since I wore maroon corduroys to class the previous week). So, with a little perseverance, I managed to take an old Fudgesicle wrapper and fold it into a functioning time machine! I set the controls to 6/20/2006.


Presenting my time-regression Blog, from a time when there were no Blogs and no time to make 'em:

Recently the suits at my school instituted the "Freeze Bell" to signal the end of recess. Upon hearing the bell, everyone in the playground must immediately hold motionless until the second bell signals us to walk back to class in an "orderly" fashion. So no matter if you're kicking a ball, playing in the sand, or moving upwards on the swing... you MUST freeze in place or the yard monitor with the German accent will drop a boulder on your head --at least that's the word going 'round and no one's had the nerve to test it.

I find the freeze bell to be slightly demoralizing. It's on par with Pavlov's dog. Some kids get confused upon hearing its stimuli and drool all over themselves. The ritual reduces me and my esteemed classmates to the states of adolescent mannequin figures, silent sufferers in need of restroom facilities.

Yesterday, when the bell went off, a pitbull ran up and began tearing at my arm. All I could do was stand there will a stupid grin while he made a meal of me. I think I may need some legal council.

The End

____________________

Test:

1. How did the preceding story make you feel?

a. ecstatic
b. like you wanted to shout 'hallelujah' when it was over
c. afraid
d. numb
e. all of the above


2. When the bell goes off, you must:

a. check both ways and then run into an on-coming car
b. return the human skull to your friend with the trenchcoat
c. make enough roquefort dressing to feed the planet
d. freeze
e. think of sex


3. The Yard Lady with the German accent is:

a. your first lesbian encounter
b. very nice and nobly suffering an unfortunate stigma
c. a talent scout looking to represent the next great tap dancer
d. into eating paste along with the kids
e. a devout hamster enthusiast and mason


4. A Time Machine can be made from a simple Fudgesicle wrapper and:

a. a little love
b. the sweat of your brow
c. elbow grease
d. wishful thinking
e. 10 pratfalls and an exploding cigar


5. A 4th grade classroom typically smells like:

a. petunia and rosemary
b. mucous and crayon wax
c. rancid debris from a can of spaghetti-o's
d. stale milk
e. shit or "poo"

5 comments:

Joey Polanski said...

Shit. We went to th same sckool, pparently.

One of us probly owes th othr a good ass-kickin.

Geritopia said...

yeah, you wuz always winning the anual spelling bee.

Cocovan said...

1.b
2.c
3.e
4.e
5.e

Geritopia said...

where do i send the diploma?

Cocovan said...

Send it care of "Media Hill"....