What better day to lob an intercontinental ballistic missile at Los Angeles than the 4th of July? One can just imagine the captive audience already lined up on lawn chairs and applauding the community fireworks show. Then, Boom! -- a very impressive mushroom cloud consumes the sky. Requisite applause, hooting and a complacent suck-up of beer follows. Instinctively the crowd takes this as the finale. "Gee honey, our faces are melting off our skulls... maybe we oughta go back indoors and watch something starring Tim Allen. That always seems to help".
It turns out that Kim Jong-il's latest attempt to settle the score with me wound up being a dud, at least for the time being. If you've been following this story, North Korea's latest long-range missile attack on Southern California fell a bit short and into the ocean only minutes after launch yesterday.
In better times, Jong-il and I were solid and together in China during the 60s, along with Eldridge Cleaver. We'd been training to liberate the name and likeness of Bugs Bunny so that it could be used indiscriminately without regard to royalty tariffs and/or fees --the very blight of Capitalism. It was during this period that I'd borrowed a No2 pencil from my comrade, which I subsequently misplaced. Soon after, I was being confronted with accusations of conspiring to abscond with the "Peoples' Pencil". So, it's because of this incident that Kim Jong-il has been plotting against me for all these years.
Yes, LA's future annihilation is all my fault.
Some say that the leader of North Korea is a demented man, whose worm-holed brain is teeming with syphilitic spirochetes, but I know that this really a tale of unrequited love between a boy and a shiny yellow Ticonderoga pencil.