Thursday, January 18, 2007

Mr. Peanut is Chloroforming Me

They say that the first step on the path to recovery from addiction is admitting your disease.

Folks, I cannot stop eating Planters Dry Roasted Peanuts. [Disclosure: Planters does not pay me to say this.] I bought a jar just the other day with its promise of escape from the stresses and cares of the workaday world -- its vampiric and dapper mascot tap-dancing seductively on the label. I knew I'd lose the battle of wills to a cartoon, as I am wont to do.

Mister Mother Superior:
he called himself "Mr. Peanut" but I only knew him as
" Fred Astair Reaper of my Intestinal lining"

Another allure of addiction entails sensory rituals: twisting the lid and the tactile pleasure of the vacuum seal being released; the aroma; the ecstacy! The threshold is down and now sweet plunder is mine! And so I dive in, spending countless hours tilting back the jar and dumping its flavorful contents down my gullet, like a hyper-fattened Foie Gras duck.

The toll on my health is devastating. I cannot move, save for one finger on the keypad. [Again, neither Planters or its subsidiaries subsidize or endorse this blog.]

amour betrayer


Joey Polanski said...

Mr. P mezmerizd ya wit his monocle, like Charles Laughtn in Witness Fer th Prosecution.

missy said...

I had no idea your fear of girls is now something you're wearing on your sleeve. I hope you and the P-nut will be very happy. P.S. I had a dream that you sent me a fax! I woke up before I could read it -- can you tell me what it said? It was two pages long.

Charlie Bo Barley said...

I always dug Victor Moscoso's psychosexual take on Mr. Peanut...

Geritopia said...

Joey: I'm sad that the monocle has fallen into disfavor in the fashion world. You'd think they'd go seamlessly with tattoos and piercings... which makes me wonder, if you wore more than one monocle at a time would they cease being monocles?

Missy: That was a faux fax full of forbidden faux pax. The point is, how did you FEEL when you woke up?

Barley: Thank you for injecting something culturally redeeming into this exercise. I recall Victor's work but never could place the name. Now can you tell me who invented the moustache?

Charlie Bo Barley said...

She doesn’t ride a motor bike
She says it doesn't fit her
But she always wears a monocle
Richards on Richards

-- They Might Be Giants

Joey Polanski said...

How much ya wanna bet th tricorne comes back in fashion bfore th monocle does?

Picayune Order said...

Hate/love to nitpick but . . . foie gras is generally goose liver, not duck.
Hence the name “Picayune” Order.