Friday, December 16, 2005

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

My favorite Monkee is Mickey Dolenz. He's dreamy. Mickey could actually sing and do a mean Jimmy Cagney. Those two things are all you have to do and I'm instantly emptying my wallet.

Yes, I am telegraphing encrypted messages on my blog to signal UFOs as to where to land. [Like, isn't it obvious?]

I do not have too much time on my hands. This is my job!

Although I do have abundant love in my heart, certain people may evoke a visceral aversion. Tom Cruise is one of those people. I do wish him well, however, and hope that one day he becomes Brad Pitt --Brad Pitt's best trait being that he's not Tom Cruise.

I do not sleep with a ventriloquist dummy. I don't know how that sick rumor got started but let's put it to rest right now. G'nite li'l rumor ! Wait, who's typing this?

To this day, my greatest fantasy is to slide down a freshly-waxed bowling alley wearing flannel pajamas and collide with the pins, as they shriek in ecstasy. I'm not so certain about how I'd anticipate the ball-return machine. Everything has its price.

Yes, one day my brother saw me in the back yard tying to steer the clouds when I was a kid. So what's the big deal? It rained.

It's true, I do have a pair of Japanese fighting fish; a nuclear missile ready to launch under the driveway; and scores of henchmen wearing "geritopia" black turtlenecks doing my bidding. It's amazing how much you can get done through the local Penny-saver.


Joey Polanski said...

So th ventrilaquist dummy stans gard wile ya sleep. Still a littl xcentric.

Whos yer favrit haff Monkee? Davy Jones, Im gessin.

Anonymous said...

Bowling alleys are oiled-not waxed.

George Bush's best trait is that he's not Tom Cruise.

Do you still have your cloud steering wheel?

Joey Polanski said...

Evr notice how fokes are always quick t offr ansers t frequently askd questions, but no one evr offrs no ansers t frequently anserd questions?

Geritopia said...

I'm looking into this wax thing. So far, the didactic anonymous knows what he/she is talking about. The oil is really a conditioner. Interestingly, the "Luster King" is a machine that applies WAX to the bowling ball. You just can't underestimate this sport.

has more stats, including a demographic breakdown of the average bowler (not the hat).

Geritopia said...

OK, just got off the phone with Gable House Bowl in Torrance. They said that they use oil, although he thought that the old lacquered wood floors of the 50's and 60's may have been waxed.

I wonder what kind of game GWB would bowl? Perfect set-up here... hello?

Joey Polanski said...

What d thay use on those shiny girls in th glossy magazeens?

anne arkham said...

Baby oil and Photoshop.

Cocovan said...

I can do a impression of James Cagney singing Monkee tunes, Gimme some money!!!!!!
Stop directing the U.F.O.s to land on my front lawn!
I produced a turd that resembled Tom Cruise, That was my best trait.
I don't know who said anything about a ventrioquist.
I tried the bowling alley thing once in a drunken stupor,All I got was a belly full of splinters, So I would advise against it! Not the drunken stupor though......
I lost my black turtleneck please send me another one, As I feel out of place with the other henchmen....Thank you......

Anonymous said...

My favorite martian is Ray Walston.

Were you looking for something like "Screwball in the corner pocket"? only for bowling? Bush needs to be Luster King'd.

Anonymous said...

Hi Gerit,

Now I know you aspire to run a "G-Rated" Blogsite here. And in fact, you are doing so ("G" for Geritopia).

Yet I must remind you, some of your topics clearly are not meant to amuse Doris Day and her Bridge Club like you alluded to. Even though she pushed the norm of her day by appearing in the risky film "Pillow Talk," with plenty of sexual innuendoes. The closest she ever got to any explicitness was her long intimate talk with her big buffed fluffy pillow.

What I'm trying to say here, is that if you had written what you have back in the 1950's (I was there), the local/loco Sheriff would have made sure to book you into a padded room without a view where you could rant and rave all you wanted to like an evangelical minister riding his jalopy through town yelling through a megaphone speaker on the roof.

But before they did that, they'd question you (along with some "Good Old Fashion Torture"). Questions like...."So, you're working for the aliens? Are you one? Where and when will the invasion happen? Explain what's with the weather manipulation of telling clouds where to go? Owning Japanese Fighting Fish, a Sleeping Dummy, Henchmen with Logs and a Nuclear Missile in your driveway? And what kind of coded message is this "Bowling Ally Fantasy" all about?

Yeah, they'd do their best to turn you into a lump of clay. Just like they did to Gumby....remember?

They (whoever they are...I had to mention that again) say there's a fine line between acts of genius and madness. And that this razor's edge tightrope is always walked without a net.

So you just keep on waving your "Freak Flag" high as a kite....just like "shocking" Benjamin Franklin did.

"For being different.....makes a difference."

Dick Edgemont
(Master Basket Weaver)