Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Sexual Magnetism of Orthodontics

Yesterday on my way back from polo with Spencer Tracy and the Venezuelan team, I stopped by Musso's and had a sit-down with Dashiell Hammett. His demeanor was more formal and on edge than the man I'd known those many years hanging 'round the Algonquin crowd in our corner with me and George S. Kaufman. After a few stiff ones, he finally cut to the chase demanding to know why I was stirring up trouble with my Tom Cruise bashing. Yesterday, you might recall, I was writing my column asserting Peter Lorre's superior acting finesse over Tom's "perpetually grinning head". Hammett, or "Ham" as I call him, ducked under the table when Jack Warner walked into the the joint, too afraid to be seen with me.

Ham wasn't the first person to ride me over my Cruise comments. I'd already gotten calls from Bette Davis, James Whale, and Ida Lupino earlier in the day; each one reminding me of how the people behind the Tom Cruise celebrity juggernaut are capable of having me out of work and out of town on a rail. Plus, I hear this L. Ron character's got a shiny pair of brass knuckles you could sleep a week over.

This sort of thing never happened to Louella Parsons.

pearls of persuasion

I therefore, out of pragmatic desire to persist as a living organism, retract yesterday's comments (in part). I do not know Mr. Cruise personally and I am not intent on slandering his character out of hand, except in comparison to Peter Lorre. Then again, Cruise suffering from many public image travails of late, may have read my screed after all. Just yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, he fired his sister for a real publicist --simple coincidence, hmm? Read HERE. ...or do something worthwhile with your day.


DelorumRex said...

nicely done.. ham can be such an ass.

Anonymous said...

WARNING! We here at the Department of Homeland Security have every reason to believe that Mr. Tom Cruise (in human disguise) is actually an "Evil Space Alien" from the planet XENU here to impregnate our "Earth Women" by using multiple mechanical dido devices attached to Mini-Scout-Spaceships with vats full of gross alien seamen.

This technique is used due to the fact that the XENUIANS have lost their genitalia from a mutation caused by major nuclear warfare some years back on XENU. This "Hybrid Program" is being enforced at a nerve-racking pace as to help save their race from extinction. We as your serving government, are fond of saying that "We're Stopping Them." But the sad fact of the matter is......we're mere "Techno-Infants" compared to these Creeps (sorry).

But we do strongly recommend you see the infomercial, "I've Got My Tinfoil Hat On!" (http://eclectech.co.uk/mindcontrol.php) This is the best method we have found to help stop "Tom & his Evil Alien Clan," from turning our brains into "Tapioca Pudding" that they (the Aliens) will then suck-up through fancy straws made from the finest of silver.

Doing Our Best to Scare You,
Homeland Security

P.S. For those of you who are a bit morbid, watch the video in which "Tom Kills Oprah!" live on T.V. (

Coco "the alien" Van said...

My underwear has Tom's face silk- screened on the bottom, As far as my day goes, Please refrain from butting in where your nosey nose doesn't belong! (I'm sorry for that rude comment), I think I'll start my day out with a large bowl of "Cream of wheat" followed by a large glass of whiskey,Top that off with a shot of morphine and then go drive the freeways.....
That's me in the car that just cut you off.....HA-HA-HA-HA-HA......

Joey Polanski said...

I wanna thank Tom fer lettin Nicole go. I want her.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sir,

I had no idea you were so "Well Connected." Wow! I'm impressed to say the least. I'm also very humbled by how much you don't just flippantly "Name Drop" like most other people in your position in this town love so much to do.

As for what I'm not doing these days? Well, I'm currently looking to get back into "The Industry" as an actress. Yes, I was a famous child actress, but those days are long over. And waiting by the phone to ring is the saddest role of all.

Perhaps you could get me a part in the cinema again? For being an "Unemployed Extra" is really the pits as I'm now starting to finally wear down my "Red Ruby Slippers" to the point where I'm blistering :(

Please do what you can "Mr. Wizard" for a country girl in the big city who still knows how to look cuter than "Baby Jane" any day!

Yours Truly,

P.S. Even Toto is now speaking to me, saying, "Rough! Rough! Life is Ruff!"