Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Master Art Class in a Bag

The following steps are all you need to make art. This is the same process that I took in creating my famous piece entitled: "untitled", which no one knows about. While the results may look painstaking, the only supplies required are a bag of lima beans, some uncooked macaroni and some household Elmers glue.

First you need to plot a "line of action", plus the essential perspective in blocking out areas of your composition.

Then add thumbnail sketches of where your "stuff" is to be placed. Wearing a beret will assist you greatly here.

Now that all the hard work is finished you can retire to bed and take a well deserved nap. If you are given to drinking absinthe and/or experience erratic mood swings you can ignore all the preceding and skip directly to the next and final step:


Cover your canvas with glue and apply the macaroni and lima beans [tip: adding a little blood or urine to your palette will get you favorable mention in the review columns]. Presto -ART!

Some artists supplement their work by writing a manifesto. It's true that one doesn't see many manifestos these days. Yet, I predict that the manifesto will be making a big comeback, only they will be cleverly masquerading as "artist statements".

Next installment: how to win friends and influence people with your manifesto.

p.s. Happy birthday bro Dirk, who will probably never see this.
He's a real gone dad, that Dirk.


Coco in Van said...

I don't particularly like lima beans, But I'll see what I can do.
Thanks for the tip!
Oh yes Happy B-day to the Dirkster!
Rock on you silly boy you!

Anonymous said...

This is just wonderful.....such a persnickety hyperbole of art’s creation would inspire the most jaded of scholars. Now if we could only have the arts funded once again and hire people like you as a Art Teachers at the local YMCA to keep budding potential thugs with their stunted inspiration from mugging little old ladies.

Dick Edgemont

P.S. I’m hoping that you would elaborate someday on how you create such fine artwork inside a computer that looks like it was done with oil on a canvas? Perhaps you could send me the “Art-by-the-Numbers” kit too, to help sort out all these loose macaronis I have on my floor (I keep falling over them) from your first class lesson. Thanks just the same :)

Anonymous said...

You too can "DRAW Your Own Conclusions," after taking Geritopia's Fine Art 101.

Dandy Lions

linduh said...

o just marry me already and let's get it over with!